just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
