If that was your dad, he is hot
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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