i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
FUCK WHALES
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