sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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