The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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