Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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