i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
