I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
