I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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