You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
