You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
