normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
