i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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