remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
