Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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