we have officially lost it.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
