Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
