Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
