It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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