lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
