I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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