i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
