So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
