The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
