she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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