I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
