her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
