Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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