We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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