I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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