I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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