dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
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I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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