just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
