When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
