i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
