I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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