ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
