It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
