I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
