Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
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Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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