I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
