I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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