My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
