we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
