if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
