Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
