It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
