not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
