so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
