Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
