i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"