last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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