y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
