I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.