Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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